Angry Addict

I’m hoping that by sharing this here…I don’t fucking kill some newcomer at a meeting.  I just moved back to my hometown….again.  I am starting over with doctors, therapists, etc.  I have to START OVER every time I move.  For the past 10 years I have suffered from chronic pain in my neck and my back due to a freak incident while visiting a friend at a correctional facility.  I was attacked, not only once, but twice by an inmate who assumed I had purposely “pushed” his girlfriend (which I did not).  For the last 4-5 years the major cause of pain has been from 3 bulging discs in my neck that irritate a nerve that runs from my neck and down my right arm.  It hurts every minute of every day.

I am home again because I moved to Syracuse, NY to attend college at SUNY College of Environmental Science and Forestry and because of the pain (being “treated” mind you) I could not keep up in my classes.  I attempted to hold out because this was my dream.  I was only making things worse by ending each semester with horrible grades and unfinished assignments due to time off and/or my inability to write, take notes,  read for long periods of time, and sit at a desk for hours on end…let alone getting there on a bus, lugging around all my books, trying to sit through lectures, and getting home on the bus.

I get to a place many many times where I feel helpless, hopeless and like life will never be worth living for me again (this is while being “treated”).  I am a resilient person and have been able to bounce back each time only to find myself in this place again where I feel dark, alone, and like giving up (my life).

I am 30 years old, on disability, and trying to survive for the last 10 years on $780 a month.  I am ALWAYS only JUST making ends meet.  So on top of the physical pain there is the stress of everyday expenses, not having money to just relax and have fun, and I am always pinching pennies.  When I don’t act frugally I suffer greatly from backed-up bills, lack of rent, etc.

I am also a recovering addict.

I had a few relapses over the last year after over 4 years clean.  I used from the time I was 15ish starting with marijuana and alcohol and I progressed and “graduated” to other drugs from there.  I am one of those addicts who TRULY believes I was born with this disease.  Since the day I was born I struggled and suffered emotionally and spiritually, feeling like I was alone, there was no one like me, I was going to live and die this way and no one cared or could see.  I also grew up in a situation where there was addiction and mental health constantly causing more than just minor problems in my life which only lead to more feelings of abandonment, betrayal and despair.

I felt EVERY emotion as raw as it could be felt, I took everything personally and I turned it ALL inward just hoping someday someone would magically become aware of the fucking hell I was existing in and take me away or fix me.  But then, I found drugs.  This did the trick for awhile and I even had “friends”.  This is not about the drugs though today so we will skip all of this.

I found recovery, was doing work on myself inwardly and learning to trust people, recognizing I was NOT alone and it was NOT the end of the world.  I was also dealing with chronic pain.  The fucked up shit I’m feeling today is that while everyone is telling me More Will Be Revealed, and Give it To God, and talking about the journey inwards (and wanting with all my heart to believe this)…I was held back by my constant struggle to find a solution for the daily suffering I was experiencing due to chronic pain.  To me, there was no hope, there were no solutions…sure I could be all peachy on the inside, get right with God, learn to make good decisions…and I even believe there is a Higher Power that can help fill the void I feel without the drugs in my life that I still to this day try and fill with a man to make me feel good, or busy-work, or drama.  I honestly DO believe that.

It ALWAYS comes back to this though.  I can pray my little fucking ass off, work towards solutions for the pain, see doctors, follow the right routes, be doing stepwork, staying away from vices, help newcomers, do service work, feel hope in OTHER areas of my life even sometimes feel some preliminary hope in this area, practice patience…but I DO NOT BELIEVE THAT THERE IS A HIGHER POWER WHO, BECAUSE I ALL OF A SUDDEN DECIDE TO LIVE RIGHT AND WITH ALL THE OTHER SUFFERING IN THE WORLD, WILL TAKE AWAY THE PHYSICAL PAIN THAT HAS STOLEN MY LIFE, MY HOPE, MY HAPPINESS, AND ANY CHANCE I EVER HAVE OF MOVING ON WITH MY LIFE NO MATTER WHAT ELSE I WORK ON OR HOW RIGHT WITH GOD AND THE WORLD I AM.

I get it, ok??  I am powerless.  People telling me  these things that they CANNOT identify with DOES NOT HELP!  Hello!!!!  Remember being in rehab and how it felt to have a non-addict therapist TRY and empathize with you??  It tells us in our own literature that the most powerful weapon we have…for addiction…is another recovering addict!!

So…what is a girl to do?????  Is there virtue in the fact that I suffer and have (sarcastic cutesy smiley faces, rainbows, and puppies attached) “FAITH” that everything will be ok.  Faith with the knowledge of no solution from that faith according to my own evidence and the LACK of evidence I see in other people in this area…is a lie.  Does it make me a better person to “accept” my lot in life when secretly I would rather die than to accept that the best possible life I could hope for for myself and now my unborn child is a spirited woman with so many dreams settling for $780 a month and no prospect of ever completing college or working in a meaningful job??

So uh…YEAH I want to use drugs, or men, or anything to make me feel good.  YEAH I am angry, resentful, and self-seeking…STILL.  YEAH I get how it is SO easy to place denial as a protection in front of those things that make “it all go away”, if even only for a moment (cause sometimes it TRULY is better than it not going away at all).  Yeah I get how I will justify the FUCK out of the things I do.  YEAH at this point in my life…AGAIN… I do not want to live or die.

And then, check this out, I also have a conscience that makes doing these things once I am aware of them impossible or painful if I cannot stop.  I also have a stubborn and very WILLFUL desire to, no matter what, live the BEST possible life I can live by doing what is right, not hurting other people or myself and following God’s will!!!!!



Millennium Development Goals

Millennium Development Goals

The UNDP (United Nations Development Programme) says:

“The Millennium Development Goals (MDGs) are the most broadly supported, comprehensive and specific development goals the world has ever agreed upon.”

“At the midpoint in MDG timeline, great progress has already been made. Reducing absolute poverty by half is within reach for the world as a whole. With the exception of Sub-Saharan Africa and South Asia, primary school enrolment is at least 90 percent. Malaria prevention is expanding, with widespread increases in insecticide-treated bed-net use among children under five in sub-Saharan Africa. In 16 out of 20 countries, use has at least tripled since around 2000. One point six billion people have gained access to safe drinking water since 1990.”

There are 8 goals aiming to tackle extreme poverty.  They were adopted by world leaders in 2000 and there is an optimistic belief that they can be accomplished by 2015.  They are both global and local, tailored to individual countries as needed.

The 8 goals break down into 21 quantifiable targets that are measured by 60 indicators.

Goal 1: Eradicate extreme poverty and hunger

Target 1a: Reduce by half the proportion of people living on less than a dollar a day

  • 1.1 Proportion of population below $1 (PPP) per day
  • 1.2 Poverty gap ratio
  • 1.3 Share of poorest quintile in national consumption

Target 1b: Achieve full and productive employment and decent work for all, including women and young people

  • 1.4 Growth rate of GDP per person employed
  • 1.5 Employment-to-population ratio
  • 1.6 Proportion of employed people living below $1 (PPP) per day
  • 1.7 Proportion of own-account and contributing family workers in total employment

Target 1c: Reduce by half the proportion of people who suffer from hunger

  • 1.8 Prevalence of underweight children under-five years of age
  • 1.9 Proportion of population below minimum level of dietary energy consumption

Goal 2: Achieve universal primary education

Target 2a: Ensure that all boys and girls complete a full course of primary schooling

  • 2.1 Net enrolment ratio in primary education
  • 2.2 Proportion of pupils starting grade 1 who reach last grade of primary
  • 2.3 Literacy rate of 15-24 year-olds, women and men

Goal 3: Promote gender equality and empower women

Target 3a: Eliminate gender disparity in primary and secondary education preferably by 2005, and at all levels by 2015

  • 3.1 Ratios of girls to boys in primary, secondary and tertiary education
  • 3.2 Share of women in wage employment in the non-agricultural sector
  • 3.3 Proportion of seats held by women in national parliament

Goal 4: Reduce child mortality

Target 4a: Reduce by two thirds the mortality rate among children under five

  • 4.1 Under-five mortality rate
  • 4.2 Infant mortality rate
  • 4.3 Proportion of 1 year-old children immunised against measles

Goal 5: Improve maternal health

Target 5a: Reduce by three quarters the maternal mortality ratio

Target 5b: Achieve, by 2015, universal access to reproductive health

  • 5.3 Contraceptive prevalence rate
  • 5.4 Adolescent birth rate
  • 5.5 Antenatal care coverage (at least one visit and at least four visits)
  • 5.6 Unmet need for family planning

Goal 6: Combat HIV/AIDS, malaria and other diseases

Target 6a: Halt and begin to reverse the spread of HIV/AIDS

  • 6.1 HIV prevalence among population aged 15-24 years
  • 6.2 Condom use at last high-risk sex
  • 6.3 Proportion of population aged 15-24 years with comprehensive correct knowledge of HIV/AIDS
  • 6.4 Ratio of school attendance of orphans to school attendance of non-orphans aged 10-14 years

Target 6b: Achieve, by 2010, universal access to treatment for HIV/AIDS for all those who need it

  • 6.5 Proportion of population with advanced HIV infection with access to antiretroviral drugs

Target 6c: Halt and begin to reverse the incidence of malaria and other major diseases

  • 6.6 Incidence and death rates associated with malaria
  • 6.7 Proportion of children under 5 sleeping under insecticide-treated bed nets
  • 6.8 Proportion of children under 5 with fever who are treated with appropriate anti-malarial drugs
  • 6.9 Incidence, prevalence and death rates associated with tuberculosis
  • 6.10 Proportion of tuberculosis cases detected and cured under directly observed treatment short course

Goal 7: Ensure environmental sustainability

Target 7a: Integrate the principles of sustainable development into country policies and programmes; reverse loss of environmental resources

Target 7b: Reduce biodiversity loss, achieving, by 2010, a significant reduction in the rate of loss

Target 7a and 7b Indicators:

  • 7.1 Proportion of land area covered by forest
  • 7.2 CO2 emissions, total, per capita and per $1 GDP (PPP)
  • 7.3 Consumption of ozone-depleting substances
  • 7.4 Proportion of fish stocks within safe biological limits
  • 7.5 Proportion of total water resources used
  • 7.6 Proportion of terrestrial and marine areas protected
  • 7.7 Proportion of species threatened with extinction

Target 7c: Reduce by half the proportion of people without sustainable access to safe drinking water and basic sanitation

  • 7.8 Proportion of population using an improved drinking water source
  • 7.9 Proportion of population using an improved sanitation facility

Target 7d: Achieve significant improvement in lives of at least 100 million slum dwellers, by 2020

  • 7.10 Proportion of urban population living in slums

Goal 8: Develop a Global Partnership for Development

Target 8a: Develop further an open, rule-based, predictable, non-discriminatory trading and financial system Includes a commitment to good governance, development and poverty reduction; both nationally and internationally

Target 8b: Address the special needs of the least developed countries Includes tariff and quota free access for the least developed countries’ exports; enhanced programme of debt relief for heavily indebted poor countries (HIPC) and cancellation of official bilateral debt; and more generous ODA for countries committed to poverty reduction

Target 8c: Address the special needs of landlocked developing countries and small island developing States through the Programme of Action for the Sustainable Development of Small Island Developing States and the outcome of the twenty-second special session of the General Assembly

Target 8d: Deal comprehensively with the debt problems of developing countries through national and international measures in order to make debt sustainable in the long term.
Official development assistance (ODA)

  • 8.1 Net ODA, total and to the least developed countries, as percentage of OECD/DAC donors; gross national income
  • 8.2 Proportion of total bilateral, sector-allocable ODA of OECD/DAC donors to basic social services (basic education, primary health care, nutrition, safe water and sanitation
  • 8.3 Proportion of bilateral official development assistance of OECD/DAC donors that is untied
  • 8.4 ODA received in landlocked developing countries as a proportion of their gross national income
  • 8.5 ODA received in small island developing States as a proportion of their gross national incomes

Market Access

  • 8.6 Proportion of total developed country imports (by value and excluding arms) from developing countries and least developed countries, admitted free of duty
  • 8.7 Average tariffs imposed by developed countries on agricultural products and textiles and clothing from developing countries
  • 8.8 Agricultural support estimate for OECD countries as a percentage of their gross domestic product
  • 8.9 Proportion of ODA provided to help build trade capacity

Debt Sustainability

  • 8.10 Total number of countries that have reached their HIPC decision points and number that have reached their HIPC completion points (cumulative)
  • 8.11 Debt relief committed under HIPC and MDRI Initiatives
  • 8.12 Debt service as a percentage of exports of goods and services

Target 8e: In cooperation with pharmaceutical companies, provide access to affordable essential drugs in developing countries

  • 8.13 Proportion of population with access to affordable essential drugs on a sustainable basis

Target 8f: In cooperation with the private sector, make available the benefits of new technologies, especially information and communications

  • 8.14 Telephone lines per 100 population
  • 8.15 Cellular subscribers per 100 population
  • 8.16 Internet users per 100 population

What Is In A Flu Shot?

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Image via Wikipedia

Saw a post from a friend with a video on how the H1N1 shot will be combined with the regular flu shot.  So, if you want one yu have to have the other.  The video was a little sensationalized and when anyone requests to make something viral…I cringe.  Lol, viral that’s funny cause….never mind.  Here is the video, judge for yourself.  Below is a list of ingredients in the regular flu shot already with many known allergens.  Other link are included.

•Egg proteins: including avian contaminant viruses such as avian leucosis

• Gelatin: known to cause allergic reactions and anaphylaxis – usually associated with sensitivity to egg or gelatin proteins

• Polysorbate 80 (Tween 80): can cause severe allergic reactions, including anaphylaxis

• Formaldehyde: known carcinogen

• Triton X100: a strong detergent

• Sucrose: table sugar

• Resin: known to cause allergic reactions

• Gentamycin: an antibiotic

• Thimerosal: 49.6 percent ethyl mercury (still in multidose vials)