I’m hoping that by sharing this here…I don’t fucking kill some newcomer at a meeting. I just moved back to my hometown….again. I am starting over with doctors, therapists, etc. I have to START OVER every time I move. For the past 10 years I have suffered from chronic pain in my neck and my back due to a freak incident while visiting a friend at a correctional facility. I was attacked, not only once, but twice by an inmate who assumed I had purposely “pushed” his girlfriend (which I did not). For the last 4-5 years the major cause of pain has been from 3 bulging discs in my neck that irritate a nerve that runs from my neck and down my right arm. It hurts every minute of every day.
I am home again because I moved to Syracuse, NY to attend college at SUNY College of Environmental Science and Forestry and because of the pain (being “treated” mind you) I could not keep up in my classes. I attempted to hold out because this was my dream. I was only making things worse by ending each semester with horrible grades and unfinished assignments due to time off and/or my inability to write, take notes, read for long periods of time, and sit at a desk for hours on end…let alone getting there on a bus, lugging around all my books, trying to sit through lectures, and getting home on the bus.
I get to a place many many times where I feel helpless, hopeless and like life will never be worth living for me again (this is while being “treated”). I am a resilient person and have been able to bounce back each time only to find myself in this place again where I feel dark, alone, and like giving up (my life).
I am 30 years old, on disability, and trying to survive for the last 10 years on $780 a month. I am ALWAYS only JUST making ends meet. So on top of the physical pain there is the stress of everyday expenses, not having money to just relax and have fun, and I am always pinching pennies. When I don’t act frugally I suffer greatly from backed-up bills, lack of rent, etc.
I am also a recovering addict.
I had a few relapses over the last year after over 4 years clean. I used from the time I was 15ish starting with marijuana and alcohol and I progressed and “graduated” to other drugs from there. I am one of those addicts who TRULY believes I was born with this disease. Since the day I was born I struggled and suffered emotionally and spiritually, feeling like I was alone, there was no one like me, I was going to live and die this way and no one cared or could see. I also grew up in a situation where there was addiction and mental health constantly causing more than just minor problems in my life which only lead to more feelings of abandonment, betrayal and despair.
I felt EVERY emotion as raw as it could be felt, I took everything personally and I turned it ALL inward just hoping someday someone would magically become aware of the fucking hell I was existing in and take me away or fix me. But then, I found drugs. This did the trick for awhile and I even had “friends”. This is not about the drugs though today so we will skip all of this.
I found recovery, was doing work on myself inwardly and learning to trust people, recognizing I was NOT alone and it was NOT the end of the world. I was also dealing with chronic pain. The fucked up shit I’m feeling today is that while everyone is telling me More Will Be Revealed, and Give it To God, and talking about the journey inwards (and wanting with all my heart to believe this)…I was held back by my constant struggle to find a solution for the daily suffering I was experiencing due to chronic pain. To me, there was no hope, there were no solutions…sure I could be all peachy on the inside, get right with God, learn to make good decisions…and I even believe there is a Higher Power that can help fill the void I feel without the drugs in my life that I still to this day try and fill with a man to make me feel good, or busy-work, or drama. I honestly DO believe that.
It ALWAYS comes back to this though. I can pray my little fucking ass off, work towards solutions for the pain, see doctors, follow the right routes, be doing stepwork, staying away from vices, help newcomers, do service work, feel hope in OTHER areas of my life even sometimes feel some preliminary hope in this area, practice patience…but I DO NOT BELIEVE THAT THERE IS A HIGHER POWER WHO, BECAUSE I ALL OF A SUDDEN DECIDE TO LIVE RIGHT AND WITH ALL THE OTHER SUFFERING IN THE WORLD, WILL TAKE AWAY THE PHYSICAL PAIN THAT HAS STOLEN MY LIFE, MY HOPE, MY HAPPINESS, AND ANY CHANCE I EVER HAVE OF MOVING ON WITH MY LIFE NO MATTER WHAT ELSE I WORK ON OR HOW RIGHT WITH GOD AND THE WORLD I AM.
I get it, ok?? I am powerless. People telling me these things that they CANNOT identify with DOES NOT HELP! Hello!!!! Remember being in rehab and how it felt to have a non-addict therapist TRY and empathize with you?? It tells us in our own literature that the most powerful weapon we have…for addiction…is another recovering addict!!
So…what is a girl to do????? Is there virtue in the fact that I suffer and have (sarcastic cutesy smiley faces, rainbows, and puppies attached) “FAITH” that everything will be ok. Faith with the knowledge of no solution from that faith according to my own evidence and the LACK of evidence I see in other people in this area…is a lie. Does it make me a better person to “accept” my lot in life when secretly I would rather die than to accept that the best possible life I could hope for for myself and now my unborn child is a spirited woman with so many dreams settling for $780 a month and no prospect of ever completing college or working in a meaningful job??
So uh…YEAH I want to use drugs, or men, or anything to make me feel good. YEAH I am angry, resentful, and self-seeking…STILL. YEAH I get how it is SO easy to place denial as a protection in front of those things that make “it all go away”, if even only for a moment (cause sometimes it TRULY is better than it not going away at all). Yeah I get how I will justify the FUCK out of the things I do. YEAH at this point in my life…AGAIN… I do not want to live or die.
And then, check this out, I also have a conscience that makes doing these things once I am aware of them impossible or painful if I cannot stop. I also have a stubborn and very WILLFUL desire to, no matter what, live the BEST possible life I can live by doing what is right, not hurting other people or myself and following God’s will!!!!!
WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT????????????? WHAT IS THAT JOKE ALL ABOUT??? WHAT A HORRIBLE FUCKING DISEASE!!!!!!!!!!!