Angry Addict

I’m hoping that by sharing this here…I don’t fucking kill some newcomer at a meeting.  I just moved back to my hometown….again.  I am starting over with doctors, therapists, etc.  I have to START OVER every time I move.  For the past 10 years I have suffered from chronic pain in my neck and my back due to a freak incident while visiting a friend at a correctional facility.  I was attacked, not only once, but twice by an inmate who assumed I had purposely “pushed” his girlfriend (which I did not).  For the last 4-5 years the major cause of pain has been from 3 bulging discs in my neck that irritate a nerve that runs from my neck and down my right arm.  It hurts every minute of every day.

I am home again because I moved to Syracuse, NY to attend college at SUNY College of Environmental Science and Forestry and because of the pain (being “treated” mind you) I could not keep up in my classes.  I attempted to hold out because this was my dream.  I was only making things worse by ending each semester with horrible grades and unfinished assignments due to time off and/or my inability to write, take notes,  read for long periods of time, and sit at a desk for hours on end…let alone getting there on a bus, lugging around all my books, trying to sit through lectures, and getting home on the bus.

I get to a place many many times where I feel helpless, hopeless and like life will never be worth living for me again (this is while being “treated”).  I am a resilient person and have been able to bounce back each time only to find myself in this place again where I feel dark, alone, and like giving up (my life).

I am 30 years old, on disability, and trying to survive for the last 10 years on $780 a month.  I am ALWAYS only JUST making ends meet.  So on top of the physical pain there is the stress of everyday expenses, not having money to just relax and have fun, and I am always pinching pennies.  When I don’t act frugally I suffer greatly from backed-up bills, lack of rent, etc.

I am also a recovering addict.

I had a few relapses over the last year after over 4 years clean.  I used from the time I was 15ish starting with marijuana and alcohol and I progressed and “graduated” to other drugs from there.  I am one of those addicts who TRULY believes I was born with this disease.  Since the day I was born I struggled and suffered emotionally and spiritually, feeling like I was alone, there was no one like me, I was going to live and die this way and no one cared or could see.  I also grew up in a situation where there was addiction and mental health constantly causing more than just minor problems in my life which only lead to more feelings of abandonment, betrayal and despair.

I felt EVERY emotion as raw as it could be felt, I took everything personally and I turned it ALL inward just hoping someday someone would magically become aware of the fucking hell I was existing in and take me away or fix me.  But then, I found drugs.  This did the trick for awhile and I even had “friends”.  This is not about the drugs though today so we will skip all of this.

I found recovery, was doing work on myself inwardly and learning to trust people, recognizing I was NOT alone and it was NOT the end of the world.  I was also dealing with chronic pain.  The fucked up shit I’m feeling today is that while everyone is telling me More Will Be Revealed, and Give it To God, and talking about the journey inwards (and wanting with all my heart to believe this)…I was held back by my constant struggle to find a solution for the daily suffering I was experiencing due to chronic pain.  To me, there was no hope, there were no solutions…sure I could be all peachy on the inside, get right with God, learn to make good decisions…and I even believe there is a Higher Power that can help fill the void I feel without the drugs in my life that I still to this day try and fill with a man to make me feel good, or busy-work, or drama.  I honestly DO believe that.

It ALWAYS comes back to this though.  I can pray my little fucking ass off, work towards solutions for the pain, see doctors, follow the right routes, be doing stepwork, staying away from vices, help newcomers, do service work, feel hope in OTHER areas of my life even sometimes feel some preliminary hope in this area, practice patience…but I DO NOT BELIEVE THAT THERE IS A HIGHER POWER WHO, BECAUSE I ALL OF A SUDDEN DECIDE TO LIVE RIGHT AND WITH ALL THE OTHER SUFFERING IN THE WORLD, WILL TAKE AWAY THE PHYSICAL PAIN THAT HAS STOLEN MY LIFE, MY HOPE, MY HAPPINESS, AND ANY CHANCE I EVER HAVE OF MOVING ON WITH MY LIFE NO MATTER WHAT ELSE I WORK ON OR HOW RIGHT WITH GOD AND THE WORLD I AM.

I get it, ok??  I am powerless.  People telling me  these things that they CANNOT identify with DOES NOT HELP!  Hello!!!!  Remember being in rehab and how it felt to have a non-addict therapist TRY and empathize with you??  It tells us in our own literature that the most powerful weapon we have…for addiction…is another recovering addict!!

So…what is a girl to do?????  Is there virtue in the fact that I suffer and have (sarcastic cutesy smiley faces, rainbows, and puppies attached) “FAITH” that everything will be ok.  Faith with the knowledge of no solution from that faith according to my own evidence and the LACK of evidence I see in other people in this area…is a lie.  Does it make me a better person to “accept” my lot in life when secretly I would rather die than to accept that the best possible life I could hope for for myself and now my unborn child is a spirited woman with so many dreams settling for $780 a month and no prospect of ever completing college or working in a meaningful job??

So uh…YEAH I want to use drugs, or men, or anything to make me feel good.  YEAH I am angry, resentful, and self-seeking…STILL.  YEAH I get how it is SO easy to place denial as a protection in front of those things that make “it all go away”, if even only for a moment (cause sometimes it TRULY is better than it not going away at all).  Yeah I get how I will justify the FUCK out of the things I do.  YEAH at this point in my life…AGAIN… I do not want to live or die.

And then, check this out, I also have a conscience that makes doing these things once I am aware of them impossible or painful if I cannot stop.  I also have a stubborn and very WILLFUL desire to, no matter what, live the BEST possible life I can live by doing what is right, not hurting other people or myself and following God’s will!!!!!

WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?????????????  WHAT IS THAT JOKE ALL ABOUT???  WHAT A HORRIBLE FUCKING DISEASE!!!!!!!!!!!

 

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4 Comments

  1. Hi my name is Gail D. and I got clean in Syracuse, NY my foundation was and is from Syracuse because I could never have gotten clean in Brooklyn, NY. About two years ago now I suffered a TIA and felt it best to give up my employment, service work, recovery friends, children and grand-children and re-locate…My little body could not deal with the cold weather and degenerative disk dis-ease…I am saying this to give you hope. If I could get clean and recover in Syracuse you can to…One day, one minute at a time that is all we have. Allow all your issues to work them selves out as they come up…That is what I did, no I am not perfect but I followed the suggestions and did alot of hard work..If you want it (recovery) it is obtainable.. In my experience…my health always comes first even when I drive 15-18 hours to see family, friends and former empolyer. Do only what your body allows you to do..I got the best of care while I was recuperating. So I also am aware of all the great services Syracuse has to offer. Oh did I say that having a disability I did manage to graduate from Syracuse University living in Syracuse. so therefore if I could do it kicking and screaming I know you can. I have great faith and hope for you…I watched all three of my children graduate from the SCSD and raised them alone while working a full-time job. Remember do what you can and your body will allow one day at a time…Meeting makers make it and I know what the recovery community in Syracuse is about because I broke many of the doors down for you to recover…How bad are you willing to do the work. It is not going to be easy but nothing in life is and as a great friend told me..”If life was fair I would be dead.” Contact me if you wish and I can share some great experiences with you further..Stay Blessed and anger leads to danger, consequences and frustration.

    • I actually know you. You probably don’t remember me though. I have moved to Elmira, had 2 neck surgeries, 2 children and am finally getting better. I just had my second surgery on September 19th and I don’t feel hardly any pain right now. I have over 3 years clean but have been unable to get to many meetings at all. I will be able to now. Sorry it took so long to get back to you.

  2. My name is Stephanie and I’m a grateful recovering addict. I’ve been in recovery for 3yrs now and I’m 5 days clean from my 3rd(and, God help me, hopefully) and final relapse. I too have a problem with pain and my pills. Each of the 3 times I relapsed was because I was in to much pain. The 1st time no one knew about it but I felt bad and told my sponsor. The last 2 times I took to much of my medicine and I overdosed -BAD. No one would’ve known what I had done except they made me conscious enough to tell them and I felt guilty and scared about what I had done and told them. I also was afraid I was gonna die. I hurt myself at my health care job I was at in ’06 and I had to quit working in ’07. Actually, I chose my drugs over work. I finally started collecting disability and felt better about being a financially productive member of my household even tho I physically couldn’t do very much anymore. I was told, by my husband last year, that if I relapsed again he was going to divorce me. On Saturday, Aug 27, 2011 I was having a very bad pain day so the devil addict on my shoulder told me, “Fuck it, man, you can take a couple extra pain pills. No one will know and you can get away with it.” Yup, sure. If that were true then why did I take a ride from Jamestown, NY up to ECMC in Buffalo and was restrained to a gurney? Now my husband is filing for divorce and my sister hates me and has taken over care of my mother(she had a stroke and an aneurysm a few years back and is in a wheelchair with the mentality and emotions of a 10yr old). I too grew up kinda like you. I was the child of an alcoholic and my mother was the queen of passive aggressive behavior. I was rebellious, smoked, drank, had a TON of boyfriends, you know the story. I felt like no one gave a shit about me either. Didn’t care if I was alive or dead. I moved out at the chance I could with the first guy I could. We were so in love – or so I thought. I eventually grew up and settled down in my late 20’s for a few years until just before I met my husband. I started bartending, my mom went thru all her stuff and I went to town. Alcohol, drugs, experimenting with drugs, crazy sex and 1 night stands……wow, shit I’m not proud of but have forgiven myself today for it. I also stopped all but the drinking when my husband and I hooked up. That slowed down a lot then finally stopped. We just got old we said, LOL! Then I hurt my back. Long story short I have 2 bulging discs that, because of my abuse of drugs and trying to continue to do to much physical labor, are “pancaking” out now which, when they’re inflammed or swollen, put pressure on my siatic nerves. One leg feels excruitiating pain while the other goes numb. I have really only seen a couple of docs, 1 in Jamestown here and then I said fuck it cuz our docs suck here to I went to Buffalo. I’m on my 3rd chiropractor tho. I’ve done pretty much all that I can do for my back except learn how to cope better with stress. That will come later.

    Well, I’m sorry my reply is so long I just read your post and felt like I had to comment to you. Feel free to contact me also. I dont know if my email will show up for you. If you do contact me put something in the subject line that’s flashy so I know it’s you. How do I do it? First off now I’m doing this all for me and me alone. I’m taking care of me and my needs first. I gotta be selfish again. Something I haven’t done in a long time because I’m a people pleaser. Next I’m getting with my sponsor daily or other addicts, reading from all 3 of the books plus doing my step work. I do a little book work each day. I have to. The words of others addicts who wrote that book speak to me too. Since I am 5 days clean, I am a newcomer again. I’m hitting 90 meetings in 90 days again and taking the cotton out of my ears and putting back in my mouth. It’s true meeting makers make it but there’s much more to it than that. Sadly tho it’s late and I’m falling asleep. I’ll check back here again and look in my emails for you if you would like to chat futher. Remember, I can’t but WE can!!

    • I am SOOOOO sorry it has taken me this long to reply. I have had 2 neck surgeries (the first one failed and did not fuse and my stupid pain management people wouldn’t listen to me when I told them it felt like something was wrong INSIDE my neck and not just with nerves and muscles). I just had the second one on the 19th of September. I have had 2 kids since I have been posting too. I have over 3 years clean but struggle everyday with the pain meds I have to take. I have actually gotten to the point where I am finally able to take less on my own and am seeing a doctor tomorrow to start officially weaning. I hope you are still clean. I will sned you an email soon so you know I read this. Are you in NA? I consider myself a member of NA although for a long time my health has prevented me from going. My sig other has 26 years clean and is able to get out to meetings when we have a babysitter. It gets easier, but first things first you need to give yourself a break for once and stay clean long enough to be able to hear a clear message from whatever Higher Power you find or have found.

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